Dear Ivory

Dear Ivory,

Here I am writing you again on the eve of your original due date. If you were born around this time last year, you'd be one. Sadly, as we all know, things didn't work out how we had planned and now you've been in heaven much longer than here on earth.

I've been struggling with what to write for a few days now. I feel like my thoughts always come out like a jumbled up mess, so I'll try to share what's been on my mind.

I still wonder why God took you from me so soon. How is it possible that in the eight short weeks you were in my tummy, you fulfilled God's purpose for your life? How is it possible that my loving, kind, generous God so graciously planted you in my belly, helped me sustain your life for several weeks, and then plucked your sweet soul up and into heaven? Why would He do that? Why did He allow me to get pregnant in the first place? Why did He take you if He knew all the emotional and physical pain it would cause me? Why did He take you if he knew my marriage would nearly fall apart in the aftermath, and we are still struggling to pick up the pieces all this time later? Why?

I don't have the answers. I've always said that once I get to heaven, I'll know why He took you. But - I'm not so sure I will know. Maybe it isn't God's plan for me to know what happened. Heaven is supposed to be a place of rejoicing and laughter and dancing, would He really want to bring up the heartbreak and hurt again, if He has made all things new? I admit, I haven't researched the biblical answers to any of this, I'm just pouring out what's on my heart.

I have learned a couple things throughout this process though, and I bet that really surprises you. It seems like I still cry for you an awful lot, and I do, but I'm also learning. If I hadn't lost you, I would have never connected with some of the amazing women that I have. I would have never gotten to share my story and reach out to other moms in the same shoes. With Love, Genesis & Joy would have never existed. This ministry is because of you, my beautiful baby. I would have never learned how to relate to others going through loss. And most of all, I would have never dove into God's Word like I did, searching for answers and praying, praying PRAYING that Jesus would help me through the days ahead. I was so angry at Him for so long, but honestly - what kind of person would allow such pain to happen (even though death is not in His ultimate plan at all), and then never leave your side, and will always be there to help you through it? My Jesus is that person, the One who is holding you for me until I get there.

My body is the first place your heart started beating, you made me a mother. No matter who does and who doesn't acknowledge that, it's the truth. I am a mother because of you. People probably wonder how I could possibly love you so much, even though I never got to hold you in my arms. The simple answer is this: I created you. You are my baby. How could I not love you?

One last thing before I go. I told Naomi about you recently. I said, "Naomi, did you know you have a big sibling up in heaven? Her name is Ivory. Ivory Genesis. She was the pure, beautiful beginning to our family and I know she lives in you now." Ivory, did you know Naomi got the biggest grin on her face when I told her that? I know you made her smile. Just like it makes me smile when I randomly see angel wings - that's our sign and I know it means you're near.

It's time for me to go. Happy original due date, my precious baby. You have taught me so much. I'm sending up a white balloon to you tomorrow, send me a sign when you see it. I love you more than I could ever explain, you have my heart. 

-Mama

                         One of the only pictures I have of me pregnant with Ivory.

                        One of the only pictures I have of me pregnant with Ivory.