mama story: Kaitlyn

Today's story was submitted by Kaitlyn, give it a read and send her some love.

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On September 5th 2016, I found out I was pregnant. Words could not begin to describe how happy I was. I have always wanted to be a mom, there were times when I wondered if it would ever even happen for me because things are just never on my side. But here I was, holding a positive test, picturing my future, FINALLY happy. On December 27th 2016, I found out I was having a baby boy! My boyfriend and I named him that day in the sonogram room, Parker Jacob Knight-Krivacsy. What a mouth full, but oh so perfect for our boy. My mom and I started to buy baby stuff right away. I was totally and completely prepared, I had everything my son needed and I could not wait until May 16th 2017 when my boy would be due to enter the world and the rest of our lives could start. I was not prepared for what was coming next. 

On Thursday evening, January 19th 2017, I had some discharge that I figured was normal but my anxiety didn't think so. My parents drove me to the hospital just to get me checked out and settle my nerves. I was taken back into an examination room, my mom came with, and I was examined. I was told that the discharge was normal but my cervix was soft and short. I didn't know what that really meant, and they decided to keep me overnight for observation. They hooked me up to a machine, and I was told my uterus was "quivering" a little bit and they wanted to start me on some medication that would stop my uterus from quivering. I was told that the next morning I'd go see MFM (Maternal-Fetal Medicine) and they'd set me up for another sonogram to make sure everything is okay. At 10am on January 20th 2017, I was being wheeled to MFM. During the sonogram I got to see Parker moving all around in my belly. I was told that he was completely okay and super healthy. I was given pictures and then told that they were going to check my cervical length and see if it was still short. It was. Another doctor came in and did a vaginal exam. After she was done, she looked at me and I knew something was wrong.

Nothing could have prepared me for what I was going to be told next. I had zero cervix left and I was 50% effaced. It turns out I have what they call Cervical Incompetence and it only happens in about 1 in 100 pregnancies. At 23weeks and 4days, I was told that I was going to deliver my baby. I broke down, I completely lost it. Back in my hospital room I was told a doctor would come in and explain to me two options that I had to decide between after I delivered my son. By then it was only noon and my dad, boyfriend, best friend and mom were all with me waiting for the doctor to come in. When he did, he explained the two options. I could either chose Comfort Care and deliver and spend as much time with my son before and after his death as I wanted, they would treat him as any other newborn baby, he'd get his first bath, pictures taken and hand and footprints done. The other option was that after I delivered he'd be taken and hooked up to machines and given tons of steroids and medication that MIGHT help him live longer and make it to viability. I was told the steroids and medication would most likely cause multiple life long mental and physical retardation and deformities. The percentage of babies that go through all of the steroids and medication and end up being perfectly healthy was 3%. My son was already perfectly healthy inside my womb. I could not chance that after I delivered a healthy baby, he would end up living with basically no quality of life. It was not fair to him, I couldn't do that to him. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make and I chose comfort care. I was told I would most likely go into labor within hours. That evening it started and a few heartbreaking hours later on January 21st at 4:55 am after being in premature labor for 8-9 hours, I naturally delivered a beautiful, perfect and completely healthy 23week and 4day old baby boy, Parker Jacob. He weighed 1 pound and 7.9 ounces and was 12.5 inches long. He was a perfect combination of his father and I.

          Kaitlyn and perfect, sweet Parker.

         Kaitlyn and perfect, sweet Parker.

An hour or so after he was born, I watched my son take his last breath. No suffering, no pain. He went peacefully in my arms, surrounded by everyone who loved him. He passed knowing how much he was loved and how much he will always be loved. I gave life, I birthed my future and I held him in my arms and watched as he exhaled his last little breath. The pain that I feel is indescribable. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. The days and nights do not get easier. Guilt eats at me at times and I get mad at myself because I should have known and done something sooner. Even though I know I couldn't have. It happened out of the blue with no warning signs. No parent should out live their child. I will always wonder who Parker would have been and what wonderful things he'd do in his life. And although my time with my son was heartbreaking and devastatingly short, I could not be more grateful for the time that I did get. Do I wish the outcome of my pregnancy was different? Yes, but I would never take back or trade the roll of being his mother. I would rather have known him for a moment than never at all. I will always be his mother and he will always be my son. I will go on and I will live each and every day for him until I can hold him again some day.

All my love,