mama story: Audra

Today's mama story was written by a sweet friend of mine named Audra. She has three babies waiting on her in heaven, read below to hear her story. Leave her some love in the comments!

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My journey to become a mom actually began before I was ready. Only about a handful know this, but I was one of the girls who got pregnant in college. Sadly, I lost my little one at 6 weeks. Everyone kept telling me how it was a blessing in disguise, and that I'd be happier down the road. In truth, they had a point. My boyfriend at the time was abusive, not a Christian, and a whole slew of other bad combinations should've made me run from the start. But when you're young, no one can tell you differently. But that loss hurt. I got the "shame" of having to admit that I had sex before marriage and everyone knew it, but I didn't have that sweet little baby to love on. I felt like I was being punished, and ultimately fell into a deep depression. Thankfully, God saved me from that and I was able to move on and find the one who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

    About 7 months after we got married, we decided we wanted to start our family. We had just moved 450 miles from home and it was just us and our dogs. And we got pregnant immediately!! I was so happy and so ready to be a mom. I just knew that since I had "done things right" and waited until we were married that this baby would be okay. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I lost that sweet one at 6 weeks. I started to get confused, and I knew the enemy was trying to get me to not trust God. But I was determined to not fall into that pit of darkness again, so we prayed and prayed. Through that miscarriage, my wonderful OB found out I had a rare clotting disorder and a hormone imbalance. That was what wasn't causing me to lose my sweet babies. And there were super high success rates with medicine that could kept me carry a full 9 months! I was so excited. I finally had an an answer and a reason. So, we tried again. 9 months later, we were pregnant again! I was so nervous this time. But I finally made it past the 6 week mark! So we told our families and started to get excited. Sadly, two weeks later, we lost our second baby. So here I was, 3 miscarriages down and completely devastated. I felt like I was letting my husband down, because my body couldn't do what it was designed to do, even with the medicine my OB said would work. And I had no control over it. My faith was shaking but I knew I had to keep pressing on, and that there was a reason for this.

    I knew my heart needed some time to heal, so we stopped trying and focused on us. We fell in love with a ministry called The Call that equips Christian's to become foster and adoptive parents. We went to training, and got certified. I repeatedly said to myself, "this is why I haven't had a biological child." I felt so strongly that Caleb and I were meant to foster and maybe eventually adopt. I finally felt truly happy again, because somehow I was still going to be a mom.

    But God has a sense of humor, and we found out a week before Christmas that we were pregnant. I was completely shocked. And terrified! I went to me OB right away and he did everything he could to make sure this baby was healthy. We did blood tests every 2 days to make sure my levels were rising, and they started me on my daily blood thinner injections. (Yes, shots!) We made it to 8 weeks and it was finally time for an ultrasound. I remember sitting in that waiting room feeling so distant (and so nauseous), terrified that they would tell me that something was wrong. When they called my name, I started shaking. It felt like forever waiting for her to set up the machine and get started. I didn't even look at the screen out of habit. But then she said "and there's the heartbeat," and my world suddenly changed. I lost it. Started bawling right on the table! I kept saying "I can't believe this, we've never had a heartbeat before." My heart felt like it was floating! Pure joy is the only way I can describe it. Now here we are, at 35 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Somehow my body has grown and developed this sweet, little boy. It has been the hardest journey, but the most wonderful. Every time he kicks or has the hiccups, I'm reminded that God fulfilled a promise. He has taken my deepest, darkest fears and laid them to rest. And I'll never stop praising and thanking Him for it! We still think about our previous babies, or littles, as I call them. Every due date or loss date that passes still hurts. But we plan on honoring them when Elijah is born. After all, I'm sure they helped God choose Eli. And I know that one day, when we're all in heaven, I'll finally get to meet them. What a glorious day that will be!